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I'm a fat person.  I always have been.  Ever since I can remember.  Well one time I used to work out 3 times a week and I was STILL overweight according to the Air Force when I tried to join.  In any case, I don't think I remember ever weighing what I was supposed too.  I was a fat child and now I'm a fat adult. My sister was always skinny.  I never had to wear her clothes because I could not fit into them.  She was tall and skinny, I was tall and round.  I remember hearing about how graceful my sister was, when we were in ballet and how I wanted to be tall like that.  Now she cannot walk without tripping over her own feet because she hunches over when she walks.  Not sure where she got that from.  In any case, I'm still overweight.  When I was a freshman in high school I stopped eating for a while.  In pictures, I look very sickly.  My face was sunken in and I remember being called "Bearly Becky" by a friends mom.  Didn't last though, I got depressed and started eating again.  I wanted to go to visit my best friend in Spain when I was about 21 or so.  I was outside her house laying out and she said " I'm not going to send you to Europe with a belly like that!".  Which was when I was working out and stuff.  So I've always been fat.  When I had my baby, I had to listen to how I should loose weight and it's not healthy and eat better.  Blah, Blah, Blah.  Yes I know I need to lose weight, but it is HARD for me.  I come from a fat family.  My mom was tall skinny and Irish.  My dad is tall big and Mexican.  My dad is not fat at all, well now he is getting a little overweight since he retired, but he still looks good for a man who is 65.  My mom died 10 yrs ago, but when she was healthy, she was skinny.  When she died, she was very overweight because of the medication she took.  In any case, I take after the Mexican side.  I'm tall, but stocky I have a round face and small eyes.  I would have made a great football player.  A line backer or something.  I admit I am lazy.  I know I could do more, but somethings are hard for me because of other problems.  I have bad knees.  Not because I'm fat, but because I wore braces as a kid and I'm knock knee'd.  I get pain in my hip sometimes if I go up and down a lot of stairs, so I avoid them.  I can bike ride, but I have to have some advil with or when I start to hurt, I will go nuts.  I can walk, and I love to go for long walks when the weather is nice.  I hope this Spring we can bike more and walk more too.  It's taken me a long time to get to this point in my life that I feel I need some intervention with weight management.  I can't see spending a ton of money on Weight Watchers and crap like that.  I've tried that in the past, did not work.  So this year, 2009, I decided to see what I could do.  I enrolled in a study at the UofM for a weight loss study.  The procedure is called the TOGA and they don't have to cut you open or anything, but some of the tests are horrible, okay one.  But still.  So I will try to write everyday about my feelings and stuff about the TOGA thing.  Sometimes I'm scared, sometimes I'm happy, but I know that I need to do something.  I'm sure the only person who will read this is my husband, but that's okay.  If I can help one person out there, then that makes me happy.

Above the law

 I hate my job.  I am one of the millions of Americans who cannot stand where they work.  Well, I like what I do, just not where I do it.  The place I work does amazing things for children with disabilities, however, the management sucks and the CEO is from the Dark Ages.  She has been here 25 plus years and has no vision of things that need to be changed.  I work in Health care, so there are a lot of different laws and things that need to be followed, however in her eyes the doctors are exempt.  Do I think so?  No.  It all goes back to people being above the law.  I had a nurse call for a doctor because he needed his password changed.  So against  the law, not to mention the policy of the hospital, does the doctor care, not at all.  He should not be required to remember a password.  And why the hell not?  Does he go into the bank and complain that the ATM asked for his PIN number again?  I bet not.  I can see it now:  "I'm sorry Dr. Smith.  I will tell the ATM machine you should not be required to enter your PIN."  Then of course 3 days later, the doctor leaves his card in the ATM machine and someone cleans out his back account, but it is not his fault.  It's the banks fault. 
They also like to leave x-rays and chart information up in exam rooms.  If someone left his son/daughters x-rays up in an exam room, there would be hell to pay.  But for his patients, no big deal.  Why should he care??  Working in Health Care, I know what I can and can't see and I don't want to see half of what I do.

I see dead people, no not really.

I have an ability that when I meet people, I do not see them physically, like most, I see their  personality.  I see if they are selfish, controling, shy, stuck up, have a chip on their shoulder for some reason, and other traits.  Then I see the physical side.  It has it's good and bad points and I have been fooled and seen things I ignore, but for the most part, I always peg people right on.  It's almost like being able to see inside their soul.  

I have a co-worker that is an okay guy.  But he is like a used car salesman.  He tells you what you want to hear and does something else behind your back.  He doesn't have a clue what he is doing, but is smart enough to get out of things.  He will flash you a winning smile hoping you don't notice he didn't really answer your question.  I see right through him.  I avoid asking him questions because I'll just have to ask some else anyway.  My sup on the other hand, is a does not know what is going on and thinks he can just skate through like that.  He says he has "supervisor experience" but he is more of a follower than a doer.  If you give him something to do, he'll do it, but he will not jump in and see what else can be done.  It works for some people, but not for him.  

I wonder what people see in me.  I see myself as a friendly, somewhat shy person.  I love to laugh and have a good time.  If I like you, I'll be a friend for life.  If I don't, I won't waste my time.  I know you will screw me over and or hurt me.  

I hope my daughter gets that trait.

Going home...again.

Well not really home.  I grew up in Tucson, my family is there, but it has never been home to me.  I do not feel like I belong there, even though I have spent the better part of my life in AZ.  I hate the heat, most of the people and frankly I hate being around my sister who lives there.  We were both born in Seattle, then we moved to Tucson when I was 8.   I moved back to Seattle when I was 19, then went back to Tucson, kicking and screaming with my ex husband.  (Who got a full ride at the UofA.)  Then we got divorced.  I was in college at the time and actually wanted to finish something so I did.  When I was already to move back to Seattle, my sister gets a full ride to the UofA Nursing program, and her, my niece and nephew and my Dad move to Tucson.  And that just sucked.  So I moved to Phoenix, but it was still to close to her.  

She is 6 years older than I am, and you would never guess we are sisters.  We are night and day.  Do not even look alike.  She likes country music, I like rock.  She gets Def Leppard and Led Zepplin mixed up.  She is married to a man who is 20 yrs older than she is.  My husband is 5 yrs younger than me.  She also has her head so far up her ass she can't see anything else.  When I go visit her, we do what she wants.  It's always been that way.  I've never been a guest in her house.  I get to do laundry, dishes, make breakfast, lunch, and dinner, with her snide comments.  If you try to do something you want, she sulks and becomes a bitch.  Some people call it bipolar disorder, my sister calls it me being grumpy.  Go figure.


 We have a dog, Sundance who is a little over a year old and a major pain sometimes.  Most of the time he is cute, but not always.  When we moved to Minneapolis, while going through some boxes, my husband had a Sigmund Freud action figure. (From a hospital stay, who knows.)  Anyway, the dog loved it!  He tore that little guy to bits.  After a while all that was left was the head.  He would toss the head in the air and catch it.  Sunny would play with the head for hours.  Then one day, it was gone.  

When we moved into our house, we found it, but the magic was gone.  Poor Sigmund.

New Mom

My husband keeps telling me to write in my journal so I guess I will now that I have time.  I had my first child in Feb.  A wonderful baby girl named Jolie and now I am back at work.  So much has changed in my life in the last 3 months I do not know where to begin.  I love being a mom, my daughter is a blessing.  I do wonder if I am doing everything right, but then again, I'm sure that is common with most moms.  My mom died 9 yrs ago, so I have no one to ask.  Well I have 3 olders sisters, 2 half and 1 I would give away if I could.  The one I would give away is a selfish brat who cares for no one but herself.  And I am not making that up.  Very true.  More true than I want to admit.  Anyway, she was mad at me when I had my baby because I would not talk to her on the phone.  What kind of person is that??  My sister!  Anyway, we have a love-hate relationship that never seems to get any better.  My point is that I cannot talk to her about anything.  So I have taking been care of my daughter and asking the couple of friends I do have for advice if I need it.  I figure the kid will let me know if she needs something.  I signed up for a Mommy and Me class and soon discovered that there is something wrong with me.  I do not obsess over when my daughter sleeps or eats or how often she needs to be changed.  I was suprised that the women in my class were like that.  I learned long ago that babies do not come with instructions, so you have to wing it.  Besides, they are all on their own schedules no matter what you do.  The women wanted to know why they did not sleep or how come they cried.  They just do!  Move on, next question.  Needless to say, I stopped going.  I think some of it comes from being an older mom, but also from who you are.  I did not releate to any of those whiners.  Story of my life. 

Warnings on Sesame Street


The original episodes are apparently no longer suitable for today's toddlers.


Boycott Taco Bell!

Their food sucks anyway.  But they treated this women like some 16 yr old high school dropout after 30 yrs of service!




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March 2009


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